Toxic or Controlling Relationships

Toxic or controlling relationships are marked by patterns that undermine safety, dignity, and autonomy. Control may be subtle or overt, and it can appear in any relationship type. Recognising the signs and taking protective steps can help you reclaim confidence and choice.

What It Feels Like

Toxic or controlling dynamics may bring:

• Emotional: fear, anxiety, shame, guilt, or feeling small
• Relational: walking on eggshells, isolation from friends or family, constant conflict
• Mental: confusion, self-doubt, rumination, second-guessing your reality
• Physical: sleep problems, headaches, changes in appetite, chronic tension

Common Signs

• Monitoring: checking your phone, location, or messages without consent
• Control of resources: restricting access to money, transport, or essentials
• Jealousy and accusations: frequent blame or interrogation
• Put downs: criticism, humiliation, or threats that erode confidence
• Isolation: discouraging contact with friends, family, or colleagues
• Gaslighting: denying facts, minimising harm, or twisting events
• Escalation: arguments rapidly turning hostile, intimidating, or unsafe

Everyday Tools and Protective Steps

• Name it: write down incidents and patterns to validate your experience
• Boundaries: state what is not acceptable and what will happen if it continues
• Safe communication: avoid escalating arguments. Choose calm times or written notes
• Support circle: tell trusted people what is happening and agree a check-in plan
• Safety planning: keep key documents, a spare phone, and essentials in a safe place
• Use technology safely: review passwords, location sharing, and privacy settings
• EAP and helplines: Wellbeing Solutions’ EAP offers confidential guidance. UK helpline: Refuge National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247

Longer-Term Approaches

• Personal therapy: rebuild self-esteem and clarify options
• Legal and practical advice: understand rights around housing, finance, and protection
• Skills for recovery: grounding, self-compassion, and trauma-informed techniques
• Community: connect with groups for survivors to reduce isolation
• Work support: speak to HR or a trusted manager if safety affects work

When to Seek Professional Help

• You feel unsafe, controlled, or threatened
• There is physical, sexual, financial, or severe emotional abuse
• Children are exposed to conflict or harm
• Distress is persistent and daily life is affected

In an emergency, call 999 (UK).

Moving Forward

You deserve safety and respect. With clear information, support, and a realistic plan, it is possible to reduce harm, set boundaries, and make choices that protect your wellbeing and future.