How do I grieve complex relationships?

How do I grieve complex relationships?

Grief itself is extremely difficult to feel and to move through.

When you are grieving someone where the relationship was difficult, the emotions can be more confusing and the grief process may have more layers to move through.

Anger and guilt are the two main emotions most strongly felt during grief.

However, resentment and relief can also feature more strongly where the relationship was complicated.

When someone was a source of pain and dysfunction for you, there are some things you can do to help you come to terms with not just the loss but what that loss has left behind.

So number one, you can acknowledge the complexity of that person or the relationship without anger and resentment overwhelming you.

It can be helpful to journal your thoughts down or write a letter to the person who died.

You can start by saying that you're processing your feelings to get to a place of peace and closure in the letter when you speak to them out loud.

You are allowed to be honest about your feelings.

If you do not want to do this on your own, then please speak to a trusted family member, a support group or counsellor about your feelings.

two allow yourself to mourn.

You are allowed to be sad about all the ways in which you felt disappointed in the relationship too.

Be sad about what you didn't get from them that you needed, whether that be closure, an apology, love or validation.

Be angry about the pain they caused you.

It sometimes helps to mourn the person in parts, so be angry at the part of them that caused you pain, but miss the part of them who showed love or connection with you at times.

Allow space for love and sadness, regret and anger.

three forgiveness.

It is such a big word and not always appropriate in certain situations, for example if the loss was of a family member who was also an abuser.

However, self-forgiveness can play a big part in finding peace for yourself.

Forgiveness in this context is not condoning but rather an act of letting go so that you do not carry pain with you.

If you are navigating grief over a complex relationship, my advice would be to seek support so that you can gain understanding about what you're feeling, allowing you to more move closer towards a resolution around the relationship without the other person being there.

So you can continue on that journey of mourning.

So do reach out to Cruz Bereavement who are a national organisation giving you support which is free.

The national helpline number is 0808 808 1677.

Also consider using the UK Professional Registers for Counsellors, which are the BACP and the NCPS.

They're easily found using Google.

If you do feel in crisis, then please do not struggle on your own and call the Samaritans at any time on 116 123 or call NHS 111 option 2 for mental health who are also 247.

Please look after yourself.